and the hardest part was letting go, not taking part

i have no problem admitting when i am not good at something. in high school, a friend’s father tried to teach me how to play tennis. i was so bad. about 7 years ago, the husband took me skiing for the first time. i was horrible and have had no interest in trying it again. i did however love the snow & the hot chocolate. sweet cheeks has me participate in her concerts quite often and i do it to have fun with her. i openly admit to being one of the absolute worst singers in the world. no talent there.

but having someone critique and criticize you for something that means everything in the world to you and that you genuinely thought you were good at really hurts beyond reason.

i, like every other mother out there, took on the role as a mother without any training or knowledge. it is kind of scary to think about it that way, the fact that i didn’t have to take any classes, pass any tests, or have any sort of license to raise a child. i just did it. jumped right into the unknown waters hoping for the best. it is such a huge responsibility that all parents take on when they decide to have children. but i did it, love it and still think i do everything with sweet cheeks best interest in mind.

i admit that i am not a perfect mother. i have made so many mistakes along the way. so many. i expect to make many more. sweet cheeks cannot go to sleep on her own. either the husband or i lay with her nightly until she falls asleep. probably not the best thing i could have done for her, but certainly not the worst. being a mother is something i honestly love and believe i am really, really good at. which makes it that much harder to hear that others might doubt my judgment, decisions, and capabilities. it hurts to think that the mistakes i have made are what others are using to judge me by. holding me under a microscope to openly expose the things i am doing wrong. as if any of them are or were done intentionally.

it hurts. it really hurts.