enjoy the silence

in less than one month sweet cheeks will be 4 years old. it has been a slow transition from baby to toddler to the big girl she is now. you would think that because it has been a slow transition, it would be easier to handle. it really isn't though. and there have been things taking place all along preparing me for the little girl she now is from the helpless infant she once was. i am still unprepared.

the husband and i used to feed sweet cheeks with a bottle while walking around holding her as up right as we could. night time feedings were always the roughest. i or the husband would feed her while in bed, but weren't able to lay her down for a minimum of 20 minutes after feeding her due to her reflux. it was so hard to stay awake then. my head was heavy and would drop to my chin many times in harmony with my eyes closing. though it was most often my fear of her falling off of me while i slept that kept me awake. sweet cheeks doesn't eat much still to this day. though she does feed herself (with much coaxing) and sits in a big girl chair.

sweet cheeks didn't sleep in her crib for long. during the times she was sleeping in a crib, it was rarely a full night. her nighttime feedings lasted till she was 11 months old. we put her in a toddler bed at about 18 months, then to the twin bed by 2. all with the hopes that she would suddenly sleep well, and on her own. it only took the husband and i 4 years to get it right, but sweet cheeks actually goes to sleep on her own right now.

i have also done something i didn't think was possible, even with her getting so big. i finally turned off the baby monitor. i know it sounds simple, even a bit silly, but it was not an easy thing for me to do. we have a video monitor. from day one, i grew attached to that monitor which allowed me to constantly look in on my sweet cheeks when she wasn't in my arms. the sound soothed me. about a year or so ago, with a nudge from the husband, i started trying to sleep with the screen off. it wasn't easy but i did ok since the sound was still on. i was strangely comforted by the fact that, even though we share a wall between our bedrooms, i could still easily hear sweet cheek's nightly sounds and calls. it has been almost 2 weeks now since i turned the monitor off. i miss it. i definitely can't hear her as easily as i could when it was on, but i am adjusting. i do not want to admit it, but i have actually been sleeping pretty well without it but the fear of missing something doesn't go away.

the baby gate will be the last baby thing to go.

has anyone else had such a hard time giving certain baby related items up?